Knowing something is wrong with your body is hard. Knowing something is wrong and not being heard makes it even harder. Knowing something is wrong but with no clear answers is exhausting.

These last few weeks I’ve been in and out of doctor offices so I can be poked and prodded to discover why my hormones aren’t producing properly. It could be this or that, and Dr. Google is a big pessimist. I’ve been told my symptoms are because I need to lose weight, and then despite the low results told that my BMI is too high and my results are normal.

I went to a different doctor (thank goodness) and he started to look at the patterns.

Finally I felt heard. I think I was hoping for a more straight and narrow diagnosis and treatment. This should be simple.

But I have to jump through the hoops of the Chinese bureaucracy and all of their systems of healthcare.

So I’m still without answers.

I think we are on the right path, and will get there soon.

But this was never a path I ever thought I would be on.

The hardest part I think for me is not knowing who I can turn to for help. Because of course my Cptsd version of myself doesn’t want to be a burden and ask friends to take off work to sit in appointments with me.

So I’m there alone.

And when I’m asked who can be there? I just break down and cry.

I’ve spent most of my 32 years on this earth living in survival mode. This meant I was the person that was there for me. It’s always, me, myself, and I. I pride myself on being independent, strong. Able to handle things on my own.

Of course I’m learning how my hyper independency is a wonderful result of growing up in a chaotic environment.

It’s exhausting living in survival mode. And it’s exhausting knowing your body is breaking down, and all you want is for someone to take care of you. Finally. Truth is I don’t want to do this journey alone. I can’t. My physical strength isn’t there anymore and what’s left mentally I need to get through my days.

I think some of my tears these days is not just of stress, exhaustion, and pain- but also relief. Relief of knowing that I listened to my body, my gut. I advocated for myself and I didn’t sit quietly. And relief in knowing that my experiences aren’t all inside my head- but are real.

Because it’s easy to gaslight yourself when you’re experiencing symptoms, telling yourself it’s just exaggerated and you’re just fine.

But honestly? Know one knows your own body more than your own self. That gaslighting is coming from the systemic systems of healthcare that don’t listen to women’s pain, undermine their symptoms as hysteria, and prescribe a Xanax to “relieve” their anxiety.

I think knowing that this gaslighting exists, and consistently being brushed off by doctors because we don’t fit their scale of what a woman should look like and how they should fit into our clothes- this knowing has pushed me to advocate for myself. I just got the point of where I wouldn’t be ignored.

I ignored my body and symptoms for a decade, and because of that my body pushed itself to a brink where it’s not functioning anymore. Not like it should. I brushed off the symptoms because surely what I feel and experience is “normal”. Pain is normal right? It’s ok to not menstruate for 5 years right? It’s normal to be irregular (for you’re entire life). It’s normal that I have chronic migraines. Abdominal pain is normal, I just need to eat better. And avoid the broccoli and gluten.

No, it’s not normal.

I know there’s a lot more mind/body connection to this- but I’m not quite ready to dive into all that on here.

Today is about recognizing that if your body is reacting to something, changing suddenly, or you just don’t feel right. Check in with yourself. Listen to that voice in your head. That gut feeling.

Your body gives you the signs of what it needs, we just need to listen carefully and ignore the noise from outside ourselves.

That’s what I’m trying to do.

That’s what got me on my current path.

I have good days, but those good days are always clouded with exhaustion and/pain. I can laugh and enjoy time with friends as long as I’m in bed by 7.

My current journey has changed how I’m living my life or am able to live my life. I’m having to give myself more patience, and permission to slow down.

Right now I’m just waiting on the official diagnosis so I can begin my treatment. I’m in the deep messy part of this, but I know there’s a way out. A plan in place. And I will find my way on the other side of this.

My journey right now is about giving myself time to slow down, rest, and time to heal. Mind, body, and spirit.

So that’s where I’m at.