So I haven’t posted since November, which has been bugging me because I had a plan to post once a week- I never have been good at keeping to plans. I’m great at making them, but not the follow through.
I like to joke as say “that’s the Aries in me”, which I suppose it is, if you’re into that sort of stuff. (Side note, I most definitely am).
Truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot since my last post. My health hasn’t been great, work has kept me busy, and of course, I planning a Christmas vacation.
And now I’m preparing to go on another adventure for the Chinese New Year, where I get to see some very special people in my life.
As much as I am looking forward to this trip, I can’t help but think about the places I have been, and where my life has taken me.
I came across a quote the other day from William Butler Yeats.
He said that “Life is a journey up a spiral staircase; as we grow older we cover the ground covered we have covered before, only higher up; as we look down at the winding stair below us we measure our progress by the number of places where we were but no longer are…” He goes on about how the journey is repetitive and continuous.
This is something I take to heart, especially recently. As I mentioned earlier I’ve had quite a struggle with my health, and it’s been shattering to my emotional well-being. I’ve really had to push myself to a different mindset, but I find myself still getting stuck in the pain and the negative. It’s hard.
It’s hard to look back at where you’ve been sometimes, because there are some steps that you don’t want to remember. It’s also hard to move forward and take that next step.
I’m having to do a complete lifestyle change, which living in China, isn’t exactly easy. But I’m also realizing how connected my health issues are to my past trauma and mental health.
I don’t let a lot of people into my private personal life, even when I think I let people in-there’s a wall that keeps people out. There are things I don’t talk about, things I shut away even from myself-because I don’t want to deal with them. I don’t want to talk about it. Not even with my closest friends.
And honestly I don’t want people to look at me and see me.
Not the raw version of me at least. (I mean who does want people to see the raw version of themselves?)
When you let someone completely in and see the scars, burns, and just raw skin-you’re vulnerable. You’re more susceptible to pain, betrayal, and hurt.
What I’m learning about myself is how guarded I actually am. For example, not too long ago someone told me saying, “you know I could never read you. You’re hot and cold“, and I realized that this person was right. I am.
I think part of it is just a defense mechanism, I’ve been shutting people out for such a long time, I don’t really know how to let new people in.
Which I suppose is part of the reason dating is so hard for me.
Looking at my past relationships, I realize that the people I end up dating aren’t emotionally available people. (I’ve dated my fair share of narcissists, and cheaters).
After my most recent relationship this was something I really reflected on. I realized That I get into these relationships because it’s easy for me to not open myself up completely (because my subconscious knew), and I was able to detach easily.
I honestly don’t remember the last time I was truly vulnerable and completely myself with someone.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to make friends, find love, and have genuine relationships with people. But I also don’t know how to let down the walls that I’ve built.
I want to. I think. But I honestly don’t know how to do that or where to begin.
So I’m here writing instead.
I guess that’s why I feel stuck on this step, looking down at everything that has gotten me to where I am, but unable to take the next step up.
Everything that I have had locked away and hidden for so long, is starting to seep to the surface.
I’m being forced to handle these things through my physical health, and that’s made me realize the amount of work I need to do for myself. I like to think that I’ve overcome my past and pain, but the truth is I’ve only put a bandaid on it and tried to hide it away with laughs and perfect Instagram pictures.
That all being said my intention for this year is to really focus on healing my mind, spirit, and body, so that I can continue to climb those stairs and move forward, because if I don’t I’m going to end up in the same place I am currently in, but how am I going to move upward?